I didn’t realize how much my self-sabotage was rooted in not being seen by my father… until I started noticing how often I made myself invisible.
It’s a strange thing to admit out loud, especially because for most of my life I’ve been someone who pushes people to grow, to achieve, to go after more. I believe in progress. I believe in doing the work. I believe in becoming better.
But recently, something clicked for me that I hadn’t fully understood before.
I’m not afraid of failure.
Failure has never really scared me. I’ve always seen “failure” as a lesson, something to learn from, something to move through. I’ve taken risks, made decisions, built things, and figured things out along the way.
But success? Now, that’s where things get complicated.
Because growing up, doing well wasn’t celebrated. It was expected. It was my job. Good grades, honors, achievements… those weren’t moments of pride. They were my only responsibilities. And when I did share something I was excited about, it was often minimized or met with criticism.
So I learned something early, without even realizing it.
This doesn’t matter. I don’t matter.
There’s one moment that stayed with me more than any other. It was painful. My high school graduation.
I really believed that day would be different. I thought, this is the moment. But Dad wasn’t there. He showed up later with a simple “Congratulations, I’m proud of you,” but by then the moment had already passed.
And what I needed wasn’t the words. It was his presence.
It was being able to look out into the crowd and see my Dad there like my friends did. That absence did something to me that until recently I had not been able to point out. And like most of us do, I made meaning out of it.
I told myself I wasn’t enough. That nothing I did really mattered. That love had to be earned. That success was pointless if no one acknowledged it. And somewhere along the way, I picked up the belief that I didn’t deserve success at all.
That belief didn’t stay in childhood. It followed me.
It showed up in ways that didn’t always look obvious. Procrastinating when something actually matters. Not finishing things. Overworking and still feeling like it’s not enough. Holding back when I should be visible. Achieving something and immediately minimizing it like it never really counted.
And still, when someone does acknowledge me?
It feels uncomfortable. Almost foreign. Like it doesn’t quite belong to me.
That’s self-sabotage. Not the kind that comes from laziness, but the kind that comes from something much deeper.
Recently, I had one of those moments where everything just lined up.
I was listening to myself on a Zoom recording from a client session, and I caught myself thinking, you really know what you’re doing. Not in an ego way. Just in a very honest, matter-of-fact way.
And almost immediately, there was this other voice right behind it.
Then why are you holding yourself back?
Around the same time, I came across something about healing “the father wound.” I wasn’t even paying full attention at first, just letting it play in the background. But the more I listened, the more things started clicking.
It wasn’t about my dad anymore. It was about what I had internalized.
My fear of success isn’t really about success. It’s about being seen. Because being seen never felt safe.
And that’s a hard truth to sit with.
The other hard truth is this: I don’t need my Dad’s acknowledgment the way I once did. Not because it wouldn’t matter, but because I understand now that he’s not able to give it in the way I needed.
That realization comes with its own kind of grief. And some anger. And a quiet kind of resentment that you don’t really talk about openly.
But it also brings clarity.
Because once I was able to name what was happening, I could finally see it for what it is.
This pattern? This self-sabotage? It has a story. It has a starting point.
And once you can see that clearly, something shifts.
You realize it doesn’t belong in your life anymore.
So now, I’m choosing something different.
I’m choosing to see myself. To acknowledge myself. To stop shrinking just to feel safe. To stop downplaying my wins so other people feel comfortable. To stop waiting for validation that I already know is real.
And I’m not saying that lightly. That’s a decision I have to make over and over again.
If any part of this resonates with you, start by naming it. Go back to the moment that shaped the belief. Let yourself feel it, even if it’s uncomfortable.
Then look at everything you’ve done despite that.
Write it down. Say it out loud. I did this.
Celebrate your younger self. They deserved that recognition then, and they still deserve it now.
Take a moment. Pause. Breathe. Let something land for once instead of rushing past it.
Because the truth is, the right people will see you.
But more importantly… you will finally see yourself.
Self-sabotage isn’t random. It has a story.
This is mine.
Stay light, my dear.
