There comes a point where you have to ask yourself a very honest question: am I making decisions based on what I know is right for me, or am I still waiting for someone else to confirm that I’m allowed to move forward?
For a long time, I thought I was simply being thoughtful, careful, even strategic about my decisions. I would ask people what they thought, get their opinions, weigh my options. It looked responsible on the outside. It felt normal.
But the truth is, I wasn’t always looking for guidance.
I was looking for validation.
And that distinction matters more than we like to admit.
Because when you’re constantly seeking validation, you’re not actually making decisions from your own center. You’re outsourcing your confidence. You’re handing over authority of your life to people who, no matter how much they love you, have never lived your experience.
That pattern doesn’t come out of nowhere. It’s learned. It’s reinforced over time. And before you even realize it, it becomes the way you move through the world.
The big, hairy crossroad
I remember a moment that forced me to confront this in a very real way.
It was December 10, 2020.
That morning, I received the final confirmation that my divorce had been finalized. Just like that, a 13-year long chapter of my life had officially closed. It was emotional, heavy, and final in a way that only those moments can be.
And then, that same afternoon, something completely different happened.
I received a letter letting me know that I had been accepted into an executive leadership program at the Harvard Kennedy School. This was not a small opportunity. This was something I had worked toward, something I had applied for months earlier, something that could shift the trajectory of my career.
So there I was, in the span of a few hours, standing at a huge crossroads.
On one side, there was a pull to leave everything behind, move to Puerto Rico, and spend whatever time I had left with my father, who was already in a fragile condition. On the other side, there was an opportunity to grow, to expand, to continue building a life that I had worked hard to create.
And for a moment, I did what I had always done.
I reached out. I called Mom.
Not because I didn’t know what I wanted. Not because I didn’t understand the weight of the decision. But because there was still a part of me that needed someone to tell me, “Yes, this is the right choice.”
I asked her a very specific question. I said, if you were in my father’s position, what would you want me to do?
Her answer was immediate and clear. She told me that if she were him, she would want me to continue my education, to take the opportunity, to keep growing instead of putting my life on hold. She reminded me that there were already people taking care of him, and that my purpose wasn’t to stop my life, but to live it fully.
And something shifted in that moment. Because I realized I wasn’t actually asking for permission.
I was asking for reassurance that I could live with the decision I already knew I needed to make.
How I translated that conversation internally
The first thing I had to understand was that there is a difference between seeking input and seeking validation. Asking for input is grounded. It comes from a place of curiosity and awareness. Seeking validation, on the other hand, comes from doubt. It’s the need to have someone else confirm what you already know because you don’t fully trust yourself yet. Does that sound familiar?
Then I also realized that validation is something we are conditioned to depend on from a very early age. As children, we are praised for milestones, rewarded for achievements, and guided through approval. That reinforcement isn’t inherently wrong, but if it becomes the foundation of how we measure ourselves, we carry it into adulthood. We begin to believe that every decision needs external confirmation in order to be valid. Think: social media. How many selfies can someone take ‘asking, but not asking’ for validation?
Finally, my most important takeaway was this: the moment you stop asking for permission, you start showing up differently. Not because you suddenly know everything, but because you trust yourself enough to take the next step. Even when the decision is imperfect. Even when it carries risk. Even when it feels uncomfortable.
Let’s put this concept to work
If you find yourself constantly asking others what you should do, pause for a moment before you reach out the next time. Sit with your own answer first. Write it down if you have to. Ask yourself what you would choose if no one else had a voice in the decision. Give yourself the space to hear your own truth before inviting anyone else into the conversation.
And then, start practicing something simple but powerful. When you do ask someone for their perspective, be intentional about it. Ask for their input, not their permission. There is a difference in how you listen when you are not waiting to be approved. You will notice that your decisions begin to feel lighter, clearer, and more aligned with who you are becoming.
Because at the end of the day, no one else is responsible for the life you are building.
You are.
And you already know more than you think you do.
Stay light, my dear.
